I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
