while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you had me at cake vodka
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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