oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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