i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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