If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
sarcasm needs its own font
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
