Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
