guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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