i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
