I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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