I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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