I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
