I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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