k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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