I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
