Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
