I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
