A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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