Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
