I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
