I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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