Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
