I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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