Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
