everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just blew my weed a kiss
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
