She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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