my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
