It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
