just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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