Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
