I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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