my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
