Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
