I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
