Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
