ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
A+ Viking dick
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
