Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
