Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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