i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
