They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
