Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
