We're facebook friends in real life
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
