if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
