my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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