Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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