he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
