I would go down on you faster than GM stock
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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