So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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