Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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