definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
