brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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