Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
